After a failed embryo transfer: a gentle guide

If you’re reading this, I’m so sorry. Maybe you’ve just received the call. Maybe you’ve been crying for hours, or perhaps you’re completely numb. Whatever you’re feeling right now, you do not need to be strong today. You do not need to have a plan or know what comes next. You simply need to get through today.

This guide won’t fix your heartbreak. My hope is that it helps you feel a little less alone.

Why this hurts so much

You are not upset because of a blood test result. You are grieving because of everything that result represented: the baby you had already imagined, the due date you calculated, the hope you allowed yourself to feel. Many women tell me they feel embarrassed by how deeply they grieve. Please don’t. The intensity of your grief reflects the depth of your love and hope. Not weakness. Not failure.

Everything you’re feeling is normal

Anger, jealousy and guilt are all common after a failed transfer. You can be happy for someone else and still be devastated for yourself. And if you’re replaying what you ate, drank or did, please remember: one coffee didn’t cause this. One takeaway meal didn’t cause this. One stressful day didn’t cause this.

The first seven days

• Day 1, survive: stay hydrated, eat something every few hours, cancel what you can, and rest or cry if you need to.
• Day 2, nourish: simple meals such as eggs on toast, soup and bread, or yoghurt and berries.
• Day 3, move: a slow walk, some sunshine or gentle stretching. The goal isn’t intensity.
• Day 4, connect: reach out to someone who feels safe. You don’t have to carry this alone.
• Day 5, hope: hope can exist alongside grief. You do not have to choose one or the other.
• Day 6, plan: write down questions for your specialist. Gathering information is not the same as making a decision.
• Day 7, rebuild: gently return to the things that make you feel like you.

Nourishing yourself when food feels hard

Grief affects appetite differently for everyone. Right now the goal is not perfect nutrition. The goal is nourishment. You do not need to punish your body, become stricter or earn your next positive test.

• Protein: include some every time you eat.
• Hydration: keep a water bottle nearby and sip regularly.
• Colour: add fruit and vegetables where you can.
• Consistency: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack if needed. That’s enough.

On hard days, eggs on toast, a smoothie, soup and bread or leftovers all count. Fed is better than perfect.

What else is inside the guide

• Calming a nervous system that feels on high alert
• Sleep, anxiety and the 2am thoughts
• Questions for your follow-up appointment
• When you’re not sure you can do this again
• You and your partner grieve differently
• When everyone around you seems to be pregnant

The full guide is below. It’s free to read and download.

This page is general education and emotional support. It does not replace advice from your GP, fertility specialist or counsellor.